just settin' out there...

often, and more of late, I find that I am just "settin' out" there; in between something and nothing. Its this limbo kind of thing people are always talking about that feels like nothing is happening right now (nothing has been happening) and something is about to. I feel like something HAS TO happen to change all this nothingness...Another good way to describe it is to say that I am waiting for a check--living check to check...By saying that, I am saying that I had a check, used it for bills; and now, I am just waiting for the next one..
I feel like this isnt' a way to live, but I don't know how to shake us all from it....Its taking over 2/3 of my house...or maybe I am assuming that, I can only know that its taking over 1/3 of the people in the house-the me.
I don't want to argue because that might set off the gentle equilibrium we have set up--like walking across a rope bridge....
I don't want to talk about anything else, though....and I haven't really thought of a way to act like it doesn't exist...
Now that I am writing it all out, I realize that I am living in all the colloquialisms....the nice sayings used to describe an unbearable situation....
check to check
between a rock and a hard place
life on the edge
dang, now i can't think of any...
maybe we should call it an IMITATION OF LIFE....
cuz this ain't living at all...this is fake and I am numbing all my feelings so that I don't set off the TNT across from me...
Lord, I hope most people don't live like this.
its an awful; sad and angry, unhappy, numb, depressed, oppressed, quiet and UNABLE place to be. I have a great feeling its temporary, times like this have happened before, and I could always see something better "across the horizon", but right now--from where I sit, I can't see anything by an abyss...I think I've definitely lost my youthful idealism...and apparently, it was traded in (without my say) for something smaller, boxier, and outside of my vision....
this imitation of life...this un-real fake...
like the shoes I wore and tried to pass off as KEDS with the hard plastic and bad glue job where sewing was supposed to be....an imitation...
not real
not living
a 2-d picture in a 4-d world
an imitation
a stop on the road...that has become the final destination....
settin' out there, waiting on nothing....hoping the bottom doesn't fall out...

life certainly DOES change...

So, I found myself back on Blogger for a spell...reading my old posts, wondering why I ever stopped writing. I want to blame it on the boy...or Myspace...or school...or the new job that doesn't let me look at the computer. But I have to say that I think I got tired of writing about the kid that runs my life...the center of my world...and I think I thought I was boring anyone who accidentally landed on my page through computerized algorithms that give us random pages...anyway, I am back, for how long, I don't know...and I already know that I've said that several times already...
Just so you know, I am not taking classes this summer (that's my fault), but I am working my butt off at summer camp for a small group of kids (24)...I am also concentrating on
1. finishing the curriculum I am writing,
2. cleaning out all the old, unused THINGS from all of the closets of my house,
3. organizing EVERYTHING so that it doesn't feel so cramped in here (since we've signed away our lives for yet another year),
4. getting fit--I've lost 20 pounds since I started this blog (blogs CAN lead to weight loss, hadn't you heard?!?) and I'd like to lose another 30...its not crazy, just HARD...but I plan on doing it from the COUCH to 5K (a running method I am learning)...
and
5. getting back into volunteering in the community--homeless shelters, food bank, all of that... I AM IN...
oh, wait..there's one more...
6. getting the boy ready for a. kindergarten, b. any Taekwondo tests that might arise, c. standing up while peeing...
That's probably the crux of what my posts will be for awhile...and I've left Myspace for Facebook (and don't know how to BLOG on facebook, so...)...any posting I do will be HERE...for YOU...
(that made me laugh, because YOU might only be ME, really)
HA!
good night and god bless
ama

He may be a mohawk guy OR return of the 'hawk

The boy never fails to amaze. nearly two years later, he has decided (on his own, yet again) to let the mohawk return to his head. We have spent the last 7 or 8 months arguing about combing, and not combing or washing and not washing his hair. I took almost 3 hours and twisted ALL of his hair to have him tell me he didn't like it (and I had to wash it out). I don't think it had ever been that long before. And even though he'd been telling the barber (loving called "Barber" by the boy) "only the edges, please" for the last couple of visits, he decided on his way (with his father, of course) that he wanted a mohawk again. I got a very thoughtful text message from his dad-- "Boy wants mohawk. Thoughts?" I responded "His head, his choice" (very nice of me, wouldn't you say?). I also stopped by the shop to check and make sure it was his decision and he hadn't been coerced. (I did mention that his father was taking him, right?!)
My almost 4.5 year old told me "Mommy, don't worry, its just hair" and with that, I went to my meeting. The first trial that night didn't work. Something about Barber appearing as if he has something else to do that night, but just as promised, Daddy took the boy (who's name is king) to the shop and got it all fixed. And he was happy.

Until the owner of his school apparently (and only by his accounts right now) said something unfavorable about his self-expression. We've both been trying to instill much more than manners and basic education, we've been trying to give him a sense of self that makes him okay with being different. I don't always think "old school" teachers get that. Like he said, "its just hair" and a wonderful way for him to express himself.
So, I found myself a little bothered, and had I been the one dropping off and picking up, I might've found some time to talk to someone about it. I kept asking the Dad, but he apparently thought it best not to say anything to anyone.
And, so, today...in the midst of the craziness of the winter holy days (for some) and my family trip out of the country (I'll explain that LATER), my child starts doubting whether his hair is okay and good...and I am all worked up again.
I need to go meditate for a few minutes to get some clarity before I get upset again.
And its funny that I haven't blogged in forever HERE, but decided to today...I'll be back.
be still and know I
ama

the myspace blog...sitting...running...watching...doing

sitting...running...watching...doing
Current mood: full
Category: of what, you ask... Life

I just remembered that my very first blog was a stance in which I utterly refused to find something to blog about...but I often feel the push (very similar to vomitting, if you're looking for THAT feeling) to say what's really going on in my world, if only to say it to myself...without worry of judgement or argument...sometimes I simply don't write what I've thought out in my head in order to save those who might read what I've written without any sort of perspective....
not today...
I'd like to proclaim today that...
1. My life is ALWAYS going to be hectic, and I know that my strength is being able to continue living in the craziness without going crazy...There are some people who become their lives, their jobs, or their situations and cannot live while dealing with it all... I can...might be a little special because of that...(also, I simply refuse to be "stressed", even when I could be classified as such...I am too aware of every breath to be stressed...and a little blessed, I am sure)
2. I have a really WONDERFUL and LOVING husband and the little piddles that cause ruffles in our relationship are really NOTHING...he takes his vow to love and honor very seriously...as well as his own urge to love and care for me, no matter what kind of crazy, maniacal bitch I may seem to be...I say seem because we all know its the appearance, not the reality. Even though we were married in what seemed like a whirlwind, there were years of thinking that he was one of the two men I could see myself with forever and since he was the smarter of the two and grabbed me up first (HA HA HA HA--that's funny!)-well, he BOUGHT the cow, ya know...I know we were blessed to return to each other when we did and I blame Ellegua for it COMPLETELY...maybe one day, I will tell you THAT story...but it was all Ellegua, even when I thought I didn't believe. Bottom line: our luck is pretty damn good, I wouldn't trade him for a winning lottery ticket (unless I knew I would see him again and could do all this over again, because I know for sure he'd love me and the money would help out).
3. my life is a work of fiction, written by the ancestors and spirits and I am an active participant in the editing of that novella. Even if I don't light a candle every day, I know where I come from (even when I didn't really know, I knew) and who is watching over me...Every bless-ed word from my mouth (or hands) has been filtered through those ancestors and spirits to be the blessing they become to those who are listening (reading)...I am a vessel of the love and adoration those ancestors and spirits have for everyone, and often surprise myself with the revelations that I spew...there is nothing better than having a spiritual connection that fulfills you...I get the evangelical christians now more than ever (WHO WOULDA THUNK IT?)
3b. I could go on and on about how happy my spirit is, even when I am still working on it.
4. If I hadn't already said it, I am so VERY HAPPY to be finally working where I am and should be right now...I know that I am hard-headed and it takes me a minute to get where I need to be (on a "universal story of Ama's life" level, not "being late to work" or "getting sidetracked and not making it somewhere important")...Its taken almost 32 years, but I realize that I am just that person and when its time for me to go where I really SHOULD BE, I am in there and often not amazed that things work out like they shoulda in the first place...Although I don't wake up spritely every day (I LOVE SLEEP!!!), I am truly excited to go into my job and greet my students and get on with the day's work, even if its just playing connect four for hours or painting or swimming...I just love my job and can't believe that my day is over when it is...
5. I keep forgetting things...CONSTANTLY...and it might just be because I spend 9 hours a day away from everything, unable to answer my cell phone or read emails or check MYSPACE ( I probably wouldn't as much these days anyways) and when I get home, I am B-Z...but I'd forget the boy if there weren't pictures of him everywhere...okay, just JOKING...there's not THAT many pictures...ha! Silly papa 'legba!
6. Even school is great--- Iam getting all A's (REALLY, A's...that NEVER happened before)...and I seem to be actually learning stuff...go figure...for those of you that don't know, I really didn't like high school or college until I was about to graduate from both...I didn't start learning things until my 4th year in college (and I was a 5 yr student), and then it was over...my grades sucked and I had no plans...That's something I never want to pass on to my kid...everyone needs a plan, even if you end up scrapping it at some point, at least you have a plan...
7. I love everyone in my extended family, but don't mind that I hardly talk to them...I find that I (not them, mostly) end up fitting me back into ALL the drama and who needs that? Listen, I've got two mom's, a step-mother, a step-birth father, two brothers from two different families, a mother-in-law, a father-in-law who is out of the country, a step-father-in-law who is IN the country(although not right now), brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law, two fathers (well, one that I actually know), and HUNDREDS (literally) of cousins from mid-50's to newborn...and that doesn't count all the friends that are really extensions of THAT family...I mean, we'll catch up when I visit..

so, now, I don't even remember why I started this blog, but I got a little of that stuff out of me...hope you enjoy the random musings...kudo on, my friend, kudo on.
bless-ed love, light, and excellence
Ama

Currently listening : Ilu Orisha By Iroko Release date: 17 September, 1996

the boy...no surprise there.

so, he's damn near 4 years old already...going on 15, of course...we have made a pact--the kind mothers and sons should never make--that I won't "pop" him if he is "nice". Who do you think broke the promise first....go ahead...guess...
I'll give you a second to make some moral judgment against me, because you think I am weaker than a 3.75 yr old...go ahead...
See, YOU ARE WRONG...he yelled at me after almost 3 minutes. We sat down and talked about how he doesn't like to get popped (its bad, he says) and how I don't like to deal with an irate and crazy little boy (excuse me, BIG boy) when he doesn't get his way (its bad, I say and no, he didn't agree). Three minutes later--that's 180 seconds, folks--he was screaming that he didn't want to do something (ahh, I've forgotten already it was so trivial) and he's not going to and Mommy is mean...
and no, I didn't pop him...I walked around his little tirade and decided I may never hit him again.
Let me get all educated Educator on you for a second---
children learn aggressive behavior by modeling--they see how adults (and other children, too) behave and what the reactions around the room are and decide if the possibility of negative reaction is worth them trying it. So, if Daddy doesn't say anything after I pop him, it must be okay to hit other people. They don't think about WHO they are hitting and why...they just know they are mad and hitting.
And, so...I realized that I was doing the same thing, but I was supposed to be able to control myself and at least give him a second to control himself (they apparently need a little more than we do, go figure).
For now, we're happier...send up good thoughts of continued non-violence in my home, and ask if he can stop stomping on ants, too, please.
bless
ama

Blog about what?

Apparently, since I've decided not to apologize about not blogging much HERE (because I do at myspace...), I've also made the decision not to post anything that doesn't get labeled as interesting for the majority of people that I already know aren't reading the blog...I only really started because I thought I was okay with sharing the details of my used to be cool and fun and excited life with folks. Now, I don't know...I want to...Its kinda like emailing cute stories to old friends once in awhile....but for the fact that I don't know who is reading the blog and who isn't...And I seem to have reverted to my old shy ways...well, kinda...I mean, I probably wouldn't mind passing on the same basic info if I were to meet anyone reading this (assuming you are) at a party, introduced by a mutual friend...its the randomness of it all, I suppose. I just wonder how many times I can say how smart my kid is and divulge not-so-important details about my marriage (well, actually, I haven't done that yet). I think I have an idea for getting ideas...I'll have to ponder it and get back to you (uh, myself, I guess).
Check back, I suppose, if you're interested in my idea.
?
I guess
Ama

NO apologies

No apologies, I haven't been on the blog for a LONG time. And I know it, and I am not apologetic, I swear.
Since the last post, I have struggled with the nature of my work and my wish to work in the interest of and with children. I quit my job, and I am sure my husband isn't happy about it....and I started school and classes and found two part-time jobs. And I feel blessed..
And I re-started myself back on a spiritual path I found so very long ago...my spirit found me and reminded me of the importance of my own spiritual work. I found my old teacher on myspace of all places, and everything flooded back.
Hopefully, I'll be able to share more as I continue to re-mind myself of what my spirit is saying....its not the average spiritual path (i.e. Christianity, Judaism, or Islam), and would often be considered pagan by the strictest of followers of those previously mentioned paths....sadly.
I'll expand on that once I feel more comfortable doing so...
So, I AM back...lurking and hanging around....checking everyone out again...
Making no promise of my next visit and refusing to apologize for not being around....isn't the mystery of it all kind of romantic?
blessed love
Ama