just settin' out there...

often, and more of late, I find that I am just "settin' out" there; in between something and nothing. Its this limbo kind of thing people are always talking about that feels like nothing is happening right now (nothing has been happening) and something is about to. I feel like something HAS TO happen to change all this nothingness...Another good way to describe it is to say that I am waiting for a check--living check to check...By saying that, I am saying that I had a check, used it for bills; and now, I am just waiting for the next one..
I feel like this isnt' a way to live, but I don't know how to shake us all from it....Its taking over 2/3 of my house...or maybe I am assuming that, I can only know that its taking over 1/3 of the people in the house-the me.
I don't want to argue because that might set off the gentle equilibrium we have set up--like walking across a rope bridge....
I don't want to talk about anything else, though....and I haven't really thought of a way to act like it doesn't exist...
Now that I am writing it all out, I realize that I am living in all the colloquialisms....the nice sayings used to describe an unbearable situation....
check to check
between a rock and a hard place
life on the edge
dang, now i can't think of any...
maybe we should call it an IMITATION OF LIFE....
cuz this ain't living at all...this is fake and I am numbing all my feelings so that I don't set off the TNT across from me...
Lord, I hope most people don't live like this.
its an awful; sad and angry, unhappy, numb, depressed, oppressed, quiet and UNABLE place to be. I have a great feeling its temporary, times like this have happened before, and I could always see something better "across the horizon", but right now--from where I sit, I can't see anything by an abyss...I think I've definitely lost my youthful idealism...and apparently, it was traded in (without my say) for something smaller, boxier, and outside of my vision....
this imitation of life...this un-real fake...
like the shoes I wore and tried to pass off as KEDS with the hard plastic and bad glue job where sewing was supposed to be....an imitation...
not real
not living
a 2-d picture in a 4-d world
an imitation
a stop on the road...that has become the final destination....
settin' out there, waiting on nothing....hoping the bottom doesn't fall out...

life certainly DOES change...

So, I found myself back on Blogger for a spell...reading my old posts, wondering why I ever stopped writing. I want to blame it on the boy...or Myspace...or school...or the new job that doesn't let me look at the computer. But I have to say that I think I got tired of writing about the kid that runs my life...the center of my world...and I think I thought I was boring anyone who accidentally landed on my page through computerized algorithms that give us random pages...anyway, I am back, for how long, I don't know...and I already know that I've said that several times already...
Just so you know, I am not taking classes this summer (that's my fault), but I am working my butt off at summer camp for a small group of kids (24)...I am also concentrating on
1. finishing the curriculum I am writing,
2. cleaning out all the old, unused THINGS from all of the closets of my house,
3. organizing EVERYTHING so that it doesn't feel so cramped in here (since we've signed away our lives for yet another year),
4. getting fit--I've lost 20 pounds since I started this blog (blogs CAN lead to weight loss, hadn't you heard?!?) and I'd like to lose another 30...its not crazy, just HARD...but I plan on doing it from the COUCH to 5K (a running method I am learning)...
and
5. getting back into volunteering in the community--homeless shelters, food bank, all of that... I AM IN...
oh, wait..there's one more...
6. getting the boy ready for a. kindergarten, b. any Taekwondo tests that might arise, c. standing up while peeing...
That's probably the crux of what my posts will be for awhile...and I've left Myspace for Facebook (and don't know how to BLOG on facebook, so...)...any posting I do will be HERE...for YOU...
(that made me laugh, because YOU might only be ME, really)
HA!
good night and god bless
ama