often, and more of late, I find that I am just "settin' out" there; in between something and nothing. Its this limbo kind of thing people are always talking about that feels like nothing is happening right now (nothing has been happening) and something is about to. I feel like something HAS TO happen to change all this nothingness...Another good way to describe it is to say that I am waiting for a check--living check to check...By saying that, I am saying that I had a check, used it for bills; and now, I am just waiting for the next one..
I feel like this isnt' a way to live, but I don't know how to shake us all from it....Its taking over 2/3 of my house...or maybe I am assuming that, I can only know that its taking over 1/3 of the people in the house-the me.
I don't want to argue because that might set off the gentle equilibrium we have set up--like walking across a rope bridge....
I don't want to talk about anything else, though....and I haven't really thought of a way to act like it doesn't exist...
Now that I am writing it all out, I realize that I am living in all the colloquialisms....the nice sayings used to describe an unbearable situation....
check to check
between a rock and a hard place
life on the edge
dang, now i can't think of any...
maybe we should call it an IMITATION OF LIFE....
cuz this ain't living at all...this is fake and I am numbing all my feelings so that I don't set off the TNT across from me...
Lord, I hope most people don't live like this.
its an awful; sad and angry, unhappy, numb, depressed, oppressed, quiet and UNABLE place to be. I have a great feeling its temporary, times like this have happened before, and I could always see something better "across the horizon", but right now--from where I sit, I can't see anything by an abyss...I think I've definitely lost my youthful idealism...and apparently, it was traded in (without my say) for something smaller, boxier, and outside of my vision....
this imitation of life...this un-real fake...
like the shoes I wore and tried to pass off as KEDS with the hard plastic and bad glue job where sewing was supposed to be....an imitation...
not real
not living
a 2-d picture in a 4-d world
an imitation
a stop on the road...that has become the final destination....
settin' out there, waiting on nothing....hoping the bottom doesn't fall out...
About Me
- soledadsista3
- Wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend,student, teacher, healer, sick, spiritual daughter of light and love, spiritual mother of all and child of the ancestors.
2 comments:
I'm sorry that all this is happening but maybe this comment will encourage you not to give up. My aunt was in a similar situation. She and her husband ended up selling their house and moving into a smaller one. However to make matters worse, soon after she moved into the new house her husband lost his job. My aunt almost lost her second house because she became the sole "bread winner". She tried very hard to pay all of the bills but her salary wouldn't permit her to do so. Fortunately, she was already in school. She was studying very hard to become a nurse. She had to take her Nclex exam 3 times but on the third time she passed. She was able to keep her house and double her salary. Even now she is still catching up with most of her bills. I think it will take about a year. I'm so glad that she was able to get through her ordeal just as I’ll be glad when you are able to get through yours. Don't give up and try not to let these things get you down even though it's hard to stay happy at times like these. Try to plan for your future. Take steps today to make a better tomorrow. You have a very handsome son. I want you to continue to be strong for your son. I wish you all the best and I will come by again to view your blogs. I have faith that things will get better for you.
Natashalulu,
thank you so much for stopping through and giving me that story...I find that just trying to look further than where we are keeps me from getting too caught up in the bills that are owed and the situation that is building up...I know we're in a place where things may change in a month, so I am working on my patience...
I take my marriage vows seriously and believe I should stay for richer and poorer....but the poorer sure is harder...and we are being tested...our fortitude..when I get down, I tell myself "If God/dess can take us to it, God/dess can take us THROUGH it"...
I am working on my faith...
thanks again.
stay blessed
continue being a blessing!
ama
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